Warning Label (I Should Come With One)
by Ruth Ann Harnisch on 04/23/09 at 11:13 am
I’m sorry.
Again.
As my late first husband used to say, I let my alligator mouth overload my tadpole ace (that’s how he pronounced it in his Southern accent).
A new client described me as “refreshingly direct” this week, just before a friend said I was “brusque.”
I used to take money in exchange for the passionate expression of my often outrageous opinions, both on talk radio and on the Op/Ed pages of a local newspaper. Now, as a professional coach, I strive to be “charge neutral,” meaning “neither positive nor negative, without judgment or opinion.” That’s hard for me.
In fact, despite my best efforts to remain charge-neutral, I have several associates who represent me and speak for me in situations where I know that diplomacy is required and I don’t feel very (expletive deleted) diplomatic.
Truly, I don’t want to speak hurtfully.
So perhaps I should come with a warning label before we engage in communication.
How’s this?
1) Let’s have some clarity up front: I wear a lot of hats and maybe you do too. Tell me, which hat are you wearing as you address me now? Which hat do you think I’m wearing? Which hat would you like me to wear? Do you think you’re talking to your friend, a coach, a consultant, a source of grant money, a confidante, or what, exactly? Make it easy on both of us and be honest.
2) What level of directness do you welcome from me? Do you want me to give it to you straight and unvarnished? Or are you a person who is easily wounded, shocked, insulted, hurt, angered? Tell me how you want it, the way you’d tell the waiter how you like your steak cooked or the degree of heat you can stand in your chili.
3) What, exactly, do you want from me? Spell it out. I’m often called intuitive and sometimes even psychic, but you can’t count on that. As Joe Jackson sings, “You can’t get what you want ’til you know what you want.” Know what you want from me, and make sure I know it too.
4) Are you sure you want to have this discussion? Ask yourself, because I’ll be asking myself if I want to have this discussion with YOU.
If I’ve left anything out, let me know. And tell me straight. I can take it.
9 Comments
Tracy Davis
Apr 23rd, 2009
Hey, I LIKED this. Maybe it’s because I can relate. There’s a broader range of tolerance for a direct, unvarnished communication style in men; at least, I rarely hear males talk about how they should come with warning labels.
But whatever the context, does “neutral” mean you shouldn’t express an opinion? Isn’t it possible to be neutral, i.e. non-judgemental, and still express your point of view? I would expect that your opinion and take on an issue is at least part of what your friends/ colleagues / clients / protogees / recipients want from you. If they didn’t, they could talk to the wall. Or their mother.
*Whew*. Tired from typing more than 140.
Ruth Ann Harnisch
Apr 23rd, 2009
Charge-neutral is a tone, an attitude, a way of being. It’s the opposite of a drama queen. It’s the non-judgmental way to approach a client.
Clients don’t need the coach’s approval or disapproval – the coach’s opinion should be kept out of the coaching relationship. The coach is not there to impose judgment or emotion – the coach is there to support the client. It’s not about the coach’s feelings – it’s about the client’s feelings.
My first coach showed me why this is so important…by judging me.
I made a statement about an issue I was facing. The coach received this information and responded with a simple “Oh?” Imagine that word loaded with OPINION. In that moment, I knew the coach was not relating to me AT ALL. Mentally, I checked out of the coaching relationship before the last dripping emotional drop had been wrung out of that syllable.
So, friends, colleagues, proteges, others are welcome to my opinion, but my clients don’t need my judgment.
Hope I’ve made the distinction clear!
Thanks for asking and for writing.
Michael
Apr 24th, 2009
I’m all for blunt.
We’ve got enough soft-speak going on in the coaching community, as a little provocation on the edges does us all good.
Cyn
Aug 5th, 2009
I may just steal this right off your page (and give you credit for it) as the disclaimer with my life. Someone recently gave me a sign to put above my door, it says “I’m sorry doesn’t work here any more.” Another one gave me, “Give me your definition of the word, kind”. You can take it Ruth Ann and so can everyone else. Keep giving it to all of us straight. Your reality is perfect.
Julianne
Aug 5th, 2009
Cyn, I’m glad you did swipe it as I just came to read it as a result – having lived my entire life within those same contraints… I’ve become very fond of the phrase, “suck it up, cupcake,” but I realize that won’t do for *every* encounter >;-) Needless to say, I, too, am for straight talking – I don’t have enough time in my life to devote to trying to figure out wtf someone else is tiptoeing around, not saying, but behaving poorly about…
RuthAnn, excellent explication of good boundaries in your professional work, while also articulating this dilemma of others’ perceptions of your (and mine, and I suspect at least a few others!) affect in any given piece of interaction. Last summer an attempt on my part to be (what I thought was) very diplomatic with a neighbor about some things that felt quite awkward to me, had her leaping up, bursting into tears, and literally running back to her house, and now a year later, she’s never spoken to me again…
c’est le vie! On the whole, I’ll still take my chances with speaking my mind, knowing that I’ve met my own standards for integrity and compassion, and those proverbial chips will fall where they may.
Alice C. Burr (MacKearnin)
Aug 10th, 2009
Hey Ruthie!!!! You are not a drama queen, but you are dramatic ! ….and our moms are still friends!!! Wishing you the best……xxxooo Alice
Linda Just
Oct 5th, 2009
Funny, isn’t it?
A very good friend once told me I expect too much of my friends.
Was I being set up?
Nancy Pitz
Oct 5th, 2009
As a manager for many years, diplomacy for me had to be learned, I wanted to tell it straight as it was, but, perhaps it’s just my style from where I come from. People always told it as it was, no sugar coating right Ruthie?
Sherry Lowry
Feb 3rd, 2010
Priceless! This one begs to be published far and wide!
And hey! Charge neutral is often just totally useless, possibly even unfair as an operational “policy,” for those fortunate clients (and friends) who totally trust your intention and literally NO ONE else in their organization, life, etc – is willing to take the risk of direct communication that is actually a gift.
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