I Am That Nerdy Kid – The Misguided Gift
by Ruth Ann Harnisch on 12/12/09 at 4:11 pm
New York Magazine’s recent holiday-themed ”The Gift Issue” featured a category of unwelcome presents entitled “Loving But Misguided”. Julia Pentz, 22, recalled: “The nerdy kid in my sixth-grade class gave me an engagement-style ring from Wal-Mart and professed his love. I was mortified.”
I relate – because I am that nerdy kid, except instead of being in sixth grade, I’m in my sixth decade, and last week the nonprofit equivalent of Julia let me know that the thought of hooking up with me was mortifying.
Here’s what happened: The nonprofit we’ll call “Julia” asked The Harnisch Foundation to support a specific project. We thought they were asking us to the school dance, if you will, and we eagerly gave what was (for us) a pretty big grant. It turns out they really were much more interested in the money than in us. They didn’t actually want to be seen with us. They didn’t really want to dance with us.
The mistake was all mine – I was the Foundation equivalent of the nerdy kid daring to think the popular and prestigious organization would accept our Wal-Mart ring and return our admiration and affection.
They told us in no uncertain terms that they got much better gifts from more prestigious suitors, were perceptibly indignant about our notions of partnership, and seemed mortified, to use Julia’s word, that we thought we were in their league.
”Julia” expressed gratitude for our gift, making clear it was important, but not very important. My “Loving But Misguided” hope for partnership brought the classic response to all rejects: “So sorry you’re disappointed.”
This was a rather humiliating experience, but it could be the most important present I’ll receive this holiday season. It will remind me of the importance of offering gratitude and true respect to anyone proffering a present, however misguided the gift or the giver.
4 Comments
Cyn Liggett
Dec 13th, 2009
I left you a comment on your blog wall – this really has me pondering – thanks for the share on this one RA.
Cyn Liggett
Dec 13th, 2009
Of course my curiosity wants to know who the “Don’t I think I’m the prettiest one here” non profit is that sloughed off dancing with you like it was nothing so I can spread the word while avoiding them like the plague. That said, I’ve spent over 9 years of my 32 year career involved in non profits. This sort of posturing says a lot more about the person and their board than perhaps the mission or the people they serve and are ripping off, in my humble opinion. That said, tis far better to get the message of rejection at the get go – because in all truth who wants to dance with someone who can’t even hear the music or the beat.
Ruth Ann Harnisch
Dec 13th, 2009
Dear Cyn, and everyone else who has either asked privately or made a guess:
I didn’t identify the nonprofit because The Harnisch Foundation will continue to be associated with several of their projects, and we continue to be proud of investing in their wonderful work.
In no way do I think the individuals involved acted with malice or deliberate unkindness, or, rest assured, I would bust them in a heartbeat.
I take full responsibility for the breakdown in communication. We didn’t define “partner” in the same way, and the next time I use that word in a grant agreement, the grantee and I will have a better mutual understanding.
Perhaps I’m spoiled by working with people like Tom Rielly at TED, who makes even the most modest of donors feel as if they are the most important people in his world.
Hildy Gottlieb
Dec 17th, 2009
RuthAnn: Having appreciated your wisdom in our various conversations and exchanges, it is beyond me that a group would not appreciate that that’s where the good stuff is!
When I teach FriendRaising as true Community Engagement, I say the following: “When we ask for true friendship, we get advice and wisdom, advocacy, volunteers, speaking gigs, a ton of other great stuff, and oh-by-the-way, we also get money. When all we ask for is money, we leave all the rest of that good stuff on the table!”
Your good stuff is so good. I am sad that “Julia” doesn’t see that. (Sigh).
Hildy
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