(POST UPDATED: NEW YORK CITY AREA ONLY, PLEASE)

You can’t get what you want ’til you know what you want . 

In my experience as a coach, darn few people know exactly what they want and why they want it and how to get it and what they’re prepared to do to make it happen.  That’s why so many of them hire coaches in the first place.

This “want ad” came to my attention today and I thought it showed gumption.  I pass it along and invite you to do the same. I would suggest that the eventual mentor consider proposing a barter arrangement.  I have at least five ideas where the advertiser’s skills and talents would be an even swap for the hoped-for mentor’s time – this could benefit lots of people.  An hour for an hour in the tradition of Time Banks .

Anyway, here it is, and I invite the community of coaches, Facebook, Twitter, to help this bold person prove that if you have the courage to tell the world what you want, you just might get what you need.

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I know, it is too good to be true – but as Somerset Maugham once said, “Life is a funny thing… If you don’t settle for anything but the best, you usually find it.

YOU: 
-lives in New York City

femmeternelle@gmail.com

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Yeah, it’s not for everyone. But that’s the point. This person is looking for a person so unusual and specific that it will take a lot of strangers forwarding and posting and passing along to help one seeker find a soul-mentor-friend-coach-father-figure at $30/hr.  Won’t it be amazing if it happens?

And you can say all you want about how unrealistic, how arrogant, how presumptuous, how inappropriate, how ________ this is, the point is, it’s out there. The person took the time and trouble to outline the best possible situation imaginable, define the dealbreakers, make the ask, and have the courage to trust that the right person will think it was splendid, intelligent, daring, modern, and fascinating.  Who knows, a club of “elders” might emerge.  Or….. anything’s possible.

Why? Because someone dared to take action, boldly and fearlessly.

Was it just me?  Was it because I have altitude issues that make me more sensitive?  The meeting room for the conference was arranged to create a sense of intimacy and to foster conversation, but for me it was cloying and claustrophobic.  The rows were too tightly packed together, and the combined scents of everyone’s hair products, perfume, fabric softener, what-have-you, made me a little swoony.

Someone once told me that being with discomfort is part of the price one pays for certain experiences, and this fit the bill.  One of my favorite relationship-and-life sages, Gay Hendricks , introduced me electronically to Brian Johnson, an autodidact philosopher whose Philsophers Notes  are brief summaries and key take-home value from other philosophers’ books.  I was looking forward to hearing his presentation.

Funny. I bought a Philosophers Notes subscription the day Gay told me about it, so I’m pretty familiar with Brian’s oeuvre and style through his vlog/blog.  Still, it was hearing him talk about something I already knew about him that resonated most:  He doesn’t “start” his day until he dispatches his obligations to himself.  For Brian, that means meditation and exercise.  For me, it could be something different. But the point is to find what’s essential in MY day and do it first, before I do anyting else. (Brian doesn’t do email until he’s finished meditating and exercising.)

And we played the game of “What, if you stopped, would make the greatest difference?” and “What, if you began, would make the greatest difference?” 

 I liked the questions, and I liked knowing that I have already “stopped” and “started” so many things during this year of sabbatical. This has created space to peel back the layers of activity,  revealing what I need to know next.

Brian is living in bliss of his own definition and creation, which is inspiring. He told us how he once had a great-on-paper job that made him sick, literally.  The day he  pulled over on the side of the freeway, throwing up because he was thinking of his work, he knew he was in the wrong job no matter how enviable it might seem to others.  (Been there.)

Seeing someone in person always gives me fresh perspective when it comes to their work.  When this edition  of Philosophers Notes arrived in my inbox, it was the perfect reminder at the perfect moment, coupled with my in-person coaching session in which my coach delivered the right reminder at the right moment.

I believe I’m always exactly where I’m supposed to be, and being at the conference was indeed exactly where I needed to be when I needed to be there.

I loved the movie Run Lola Run. 

I saw it so many years ago, but I think about it almost every day for at least one second.  The director  Tom Tykwer hooked me forever with a little cinematic technique: at various points in the action, a series of quick still shots appear. They show a possible outcome of the circumstances.  The future, as seen in the snapshots, can be ecstatic or tragic, mundane or amusing.

My brain works like that.  I see snapshots of the possible future.  Sometimes I don’t like what I see.

This “Positive Quote of the Day”  showed up in my mailbox back in 2006:

“To think bad thoughts is really the easiest thing in the world.  If you leave your mind to itself it will spiral down into ever increasing unhappiness. To think good thoughts, however, requires effort.  This is one of the things that discipline – training – is about.”  - James Clavell, in his novel Shogun

When I phoned my coach  for our weekly appointment I told her that I was feeling anxiety, that nothing specific was bothering me, but somehow everything was bothering me. My coach asked this pointed question: “What concern or care about the future is causing this anxiety?”

“Anxiety,” she explained, “is about the future.  Depression is about the past.  So, what about the future concerns you?”

I have no idea why that simple question melted the anxiety, but it did.  Perhaps it’s because I truly believe that all is well and all shall be well, that things are no doubt unfolding as they should, that there’s a gift in every circumstance, that we have a great deal of power in the choices we make.  (Your Cliche Here.)

Perhaps it was an instant cure because the question forces me to admit what I’m doing: making up stories about the future, which gets in the way of the precious present. I recognize that, as the director of Run Ruthie Run, I’m the creator of this story and I make up the scenes I see.

Ahhhhhhh. The present moment.  We always wind up back here, don’t we? Because there’s nowhere else, no matter how hard we run or what stories we tell ourselves.

This must be what if feels like to be a book author.

A colleague spent part of her Saturday reading everything I posted here since the first of January.

This is a feeling I have never had before.  I wonder if book writers have this sense of awe, that anyone would exchange the most precious things they have, their time and attention in mass quantity, for something the author produced.

I started to feel a little guilty.  Did she feel obligated to read it because of our relationship?  Did she “waste” her Saturday hours?

Then I remembered that the choice was hers, she didn’t have to tell me she read the whole thing, and she could have stopped at Day 2 without letting me know, ever.

That reminded me how often I have to pull myself back from “thinking for” other people.  It is none of my business how or why she chose to read my writing, and it’s not up to me to judge the quality of her experience. And as I’m not in a position to give her either her time or her money back, I’m not involved.

It’s one of the most significant aspects of coach training: let other people think for themselves, act for themselves, do for themselves.

Coaches don’t assume they know what’s best for clients. They support the client in finding what’s best for themselves.  Coaches don’t tell the client what to do.  They support the client in exploring possibilities and making choices.

I started out to share some of the questions I sent to my reading friend:  Did anything pop out at you that you want to tell me as a coach?  Such as, “It’s so obvious Ruth Ann needs to ______” or “It’s amazing how oblivious Ruth Ann is to ______” or “If I were Ruth Ann, I would ______” or “If Ruth Ann were my client I would explore ______”

And I also asked if she clicked any of the links I spend so much time embedding in many posts. (Not this one.)

But as it turns out, I’m reminded that “what you think of me is none of my business.”  And vice versa, I’m sure!

I am not counting it as “work” when I coach strangers on the internet.  I joined Aardvark last year and I enjoy the opportunity to answer the random questions that people submit online.

This morning, Aardvark sent me a question from a California man who said he was having “no luck” finding a judicial clerkship. I’ve been answering the “how do I get a job” question for decades, starting when I was a television news anchor/reporter back in the 1970s and every day I could count on at least one person asking me ”How do I get your job?”

When I compose an Aardvark answer, I usually just dash off what’s at the top of my head, which is what I did today:

When you say “no luck,” of course you are not relying on luck, right?

Your question doesn’t give me much of an idea of what you’ve already tried.

Have you:

1)      Developed a network that can connect you to the decisionmakers?

2)      Created an excellent resume/letter that is custom-tailored for each clerkship you seek?

3)      Joined organizations that contribute to your connections and qualifications?

4)      Checked your general employability – from basics like punctuality, reliability, references, to personal details like grooming and etiquette?

5)      (This should be number one) Got appropriate qualifications?

6)      Cleaned up your social media profile? Any embarrassing stuff on FB or Twitter?

7)      Asked those who say “no” why you were not chosen and what you could do to make yourself more employable?

8)      Told EVERYONE you know that you seek this work and asked for appropriate introductions and advice?

9)      Discovered what makes YOU a unique and worthy hire? If you’re a “standard issue white man,” for example, you’d better find something to distinguish you from the pack and make you appealing.

10)   Got a Plan B that will impress future employers if you don’t manage to get a clerkship now?

 Hope this helps.

Ruth Ann

What is the psychic payoff for me in answering an Aardvark question?  I’m looking for clues to what I find appealing and meaningful, guidance in choosing my work after sabbatical. 

That, I’m discovering, is everyone’s real job: explore what experiences, feelings, and activities contribute to one’s sense of well-being. 

I like that job.

Yesterday’s New York Times had an article about trade school ripoffs that should be required reading for anyone considering enrollment in a for-profit school.

I’ve known about this scheme to rake in government money for almost 40 years.  Barely out of our teens, my roommate and I were working at entry-level jobs. She was a recruiter for a for-profit “business college.”

Her job consisted of following up on leads generated by newspaper advertising (remember newspaper advertising?).  Prospective students mailed in (remember mail?) a simple coupon (“Tell Me More!”) with their name, address, and phone number.

She would visit these prospects in their homes, shamelessly saying whatever it took to get the student or the parent to sign a contract.  She could be charming, seductive, stern, concerned, coercive, threatening, and scarily intimidating.  That signature meant her paycheck, and she was going to get it by hook or…well, you know.

The minute she got a signature, the school set the wheels in motion to “help” the student get government grants, the major source of income for the school (and my roommate, who got a whopping percentage).

The goal of the school was to get the government money, not to produce an educated, work-ready graduate.  In fact, the school expected most students to drop out.  More room for the next suckers!

My roommate, the recruiter, measured the driving distance to the prospect’s home in the number of bottles of beer she could drink on the way.  ”How long will it take you to get there?”  ”Oh, I’d say it’s about a six-pack.” (Remember drinking and driving before MADD? Remember MADD?)

I think she had to numb herself to perform the soul-crushing thievery that was her livelihood.

Reading the Times story brought back memories of that roommate (would you be surprised if I told you she stole from me and ran out on our lease?).  It also reminded me of jobs I’ve had where I did things for money that were not in keeping with my highest values.

Like that roommate, I wanted my paycheck.  Needed my paycheck. Thought I didn’t have a choice about what I did to earn it. The boss was the boss. I was too intimidated to challenge what seemed wrong to me, too scared to try to find another job, too frightened that the next job would be worse.

I often remind my coaching clients that we may not like our options, but we always have options.

I wish I’d known that a lot sooner in life.

Some of you think you’ve caught me red-handed – working.

I’ve had a number of messages (thanks for your sarcasm, your curiosity, your concern) referring to evidence that I’m doing things that look like work.

(Pause)

(Reflect)

(Accept intervention  message)

Maybe you’re right.  I am having more temptation than I expected to dip my toe into…OK, I’ll say it, work.

If this is a meeting, I’ll come clean.  One of my former clients and I talked for over an hour yesterday. She said our conversation helped her a lot. I got high on that.  It was surprising to me what a rush I got from her feeling of becoming unstuck and energetic.

Today when I was just lying in bed, reading other people’s tweets, I saw a notice that the International Coach Federation  Board was having an open call in five minutes. I dialed in, thinking I’d put it on speaker and mute myself and listen like it was the radio, in the background, while I did non-work things.

But the board members who were on the call outnumbered the callers.  I was only the second “civilian,” and the last to join the call.  So I participated vocally.  I admit it. It was work-related.  Work I said I wouldn’t be doing this year.

The Coaching Commons (http://coachingcommons.org) is in the process of commissioning freelance reporting.  I am having a very difficult time keeping my hands off of that. It’s my wheelhouse , for cryin’ out loud!  But my team has been very effective at gently removing my paw.

And I do have some work commitments that have not been put on hold this year because I made, you know, commitments.  I have a quarterly meeting with one of my biggest grantees  this week, and I’m participating in research with another grantee today and tomorrow.

Nonetheless, I hear you.  Thank you.  I mean it.  I guess that’s one of the advantages of making your commitments in public, because you will be held accountable.  If you really mean it, tell people. They’ll bust you if you stray, and I’ve been busted.

Thus endeth the sabbatical lesson of the day.

During this sabbatical year, I’m making very few appointments, but I still meet with my coach.

Today the coach helped me reframe a major life situation in a way that took it from “energy drain” to “energy source.”

It’s hard to put a price on a professional service that gets one from “troubled” to “happy,” but that’s what a simple reframe can do.  Why couldn’t I see it myself?  Why did it take the coach’s observation to shift the way I approach that situation?  I don’t know. I’m a trained coach.  I might have been able to see it for a client, but I obviously couldn’t see it for myself or I would have.

Now that I’ve experienced this big reframe, I can observe the self-replicating properties of a shift. I’m trying to become aware of other mindsets or trouble spots in my life, and see how I could reframe or redefine those situations too.

Where am I stuck and how could I reframe it to create more ease, more comfort, more joy, more of whatever I want?

I’m happiest at sea level; more specifically, I’m happiest in the sea.

Here I am in Deer Valley, Utah , at 8200 feet above happy.  My body responds by displaying almost every symptom of moderate altitude sickness.  My head is pounding. I’m short of breath. I’m nauseated. It usually takes me a few days to acclimatize.

I think of it as a metaphor.  The higher one climbs in life, the more difficult it is to feel normal.  Many of my coaching clients have reached career altitudes that disorient them. They face situations that make their hearts beat rapidly, and it’s hard to think straight. Often, they are uncomfortable and seeking relief, which is how they came to me for coaching.

“You know why it’s lonely at the top?” I ask them. “Because there are so few people up there.”

When I find myself at altitude, it’s important for me to slow down, not expect too much of myself until I get acclimatized, accept my limitations with as much grace as I can muster, and recognize the beauty of being in a place that takes me out of my comfort zone.

 ”Sabbatical is the new black,” I said earlier this year, and I’ve been told that a sabbatical is also the new “status symbol.”

More importantly, sabbaticals are a new way to reinvigorate employees, and their workplaces are the eventual beneficiaries.

Compass Point  provides some proof in a new study of nonprofit leaders  who took three months of sabbatical leave. 

I shared this with Elizabeth Pagano of YourSABBATICAL  (a priceless resource if you’re dreaming about a sabbatical, or if you’re a visionary corporate leader interested in offering sabbaticals to your employees).  In turn, she sent me her company’s white paper on corporate sabbaticals.  Drop her a line (epagano@yourSABBATICAL.com) and she’ll send you a copy, too.

I think it’s risky for employers to do this – just like it’s risky to offer coaching to employees. What if the employee decides to chuck this job as a result of my generous offer of sabbatical time (or coaching)?  I have chosen to offer the services of professional coaches to people on my team.  It’s a gamble. Perhaps they will discover that “finding themselves” means leaving my employ.

Would I really want to hold anyone back from their greatest happiness and opportunities for personal and professional fulfillment?  No, I would not, even if it’s inconvenient for me.  I’m committed to helping people tap their untapped capacity. It would be hypocritical to stunt someone’s growth for my own selfish reasons.

I seriously contemplated not putting that in writing.  If it’s this difficult for me to do, I can imagine what a challenge that will be for a corporate manager in this economy.

Sabbaticals will continue to be “status symbols” until the culture undergoes a powerful change.  YourSABBATICAL and Compass Point are agents of that change. 

I’d join them, but, you know, I’m on sabbatical.